Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
