i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
