I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
