I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
