I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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