so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
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I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
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I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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