Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
