3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
