he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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