was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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