If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
