i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
