suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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