please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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