I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
