"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
