Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
