You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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