Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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