WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
