Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
