proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize