I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
