I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just want to make out with him forever
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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