don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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