i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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