this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
