Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
