highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
That's how pantless uber rides happen
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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