I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
In America we eat man semen.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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