Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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