omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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