The maid of honor just puked.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
