My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
