just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
