I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
