i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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