tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
