She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
