she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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