Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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