Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
