remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
