I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
