I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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