this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
