I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Is it because I queefed?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
