Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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