the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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