I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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