my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
