Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
