Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have aggressive nipples.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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