I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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