even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
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Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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