Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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